Some Days

Most days, I go about my life. I think of Ingrid. I remember something, or imagine her reaction to something that's just happened, or daydream about who she might have been now.

And then comes a day, random and painful, when the only thought of Ingrid is that she's gone. I get stuck right there for a while, still crying after all these years. 

When I think about all the other friends and family that hard day must happen to sometimes, it seems it would fill a whole year. A lot of people loved Ingrid. Pick a date, and one of us must always be having that hard day.

Yesterday was my turn again.

Happy Sad Birthday

It's that happy sad day again, Ingrid. Happy birthday, pal, at 53 but 48. I never wanted to catch up to you, ever, and now here we are and I am older than you will ever be.

Last night at midnight, as I thought about how it had just become your birthday, The Rocky Horror Picture Show came on the TV and you know I had to at least watch the first part of that. You took me to that movie for the first time when we were teenagers, and for a million times after that until we both could quote all the dialogue and knew when to duck as the toast flew and the water pistols came out. It was the gayest, most miraculous thing I'd ever seen up to that point, and it was all because of you. And so I sat on my living room floor at midnight and laughed and cried for you, Ingrid. And missed you so much it felt as though my insides were roiling.

And then I laughed again. You were right there with me in that moment. Thank you for that, Ingrid. I love you.

The Big 3-5

It's 35 years ago today that we came out, Ingrid. I'll never forget it, but that seems a silly thing to say. I suppose what I'm really saying is that I'll never forget you and your gay, gay, gay self.

Thanks, Ingrid, for your honesty and bravery. And for how you helped me be honest and brave, too. And for how you let me help you be the same. I suspect we were the first kids to come out in Kuna, Idaho, and survive the experience. Hell, thrive on the experience and become big ol' lesbians. How cool is that, Ingrid?

Happy Ingrid and Caren Coming Out Day, pal. I love you.

Time, Loss

Ingrid, I've been missing you for years now and it never makes a difference. I don't think it ever will. The space you left behind four years ago today is shaped exactly like you, so it's a space no one else can fill. It's like those life-size drawings that kids make in elementary school--giant, outlandish, colorful, true.

Who will ever be so funny, so serious, so brave, so fearful? Who will ever create something that had never existed before from nothing, from something, from less than nothing? Who will ever remember that thing we did that time in that place we went? Who will ever speak that shorthand of friendship born in such a formative time, a lifetime ago? No one but you, Ingrid.

I hope you don't even notice this horrible day, the fourth anniversary of your death. I hope you've moved so far beyond it all that only the music and the stars and the friendship remain. And I hope the same for myself.

Someday.

Love, Caren

Four Years and a Lifetime

Four years. Four years since I heard you laugh at one of my stupid jokes. Four years since I ordered those “I Love Cows” and “The Coolest People Are from Kuna, Idaho” hats for when you were supposed to lose your hair that I never sent you because they arrived the day after you died. You would have worn them proudly. Four years since we said I love you, not knowing that it would be our last chance to tell each other out loud what we felt for almost thirty years. Four years since I told myself (and Caren) that I would not post anything on this blog because my feelings were too private and it was too painful and, anyway, everyone who knows me knows how I feel about you. Well, times and convictions change and here I am. Four years. Wow. I think about you every day, especially when walking alone listening to music and a Carpenters song comes on. I know your love and knowledge of music was as vast as your gigantic CD collection and went way beyond the 70s, but you are most vivid to me when I hear the Carpenters or Abba, music that we shared way back when. You affected my life in many positive ways and I will always be grateful. I miss you, old pal.

--Amy Rubin