Happy 56, Ingrid

Another birthday we don't get to talk, Ingrid. I hope it's a good one for you, if there's something after this life. I hope it's full of sugar and spice, and a lot of naughty. You were nice enough on your own to not need any more of that.

OK, I'll finally say it: I'll always be older than you. I know that if you can read that, you'll laugh in the way that I always laughed at you on your birthday for being older than I.

Your birthday is the only time I'm ever bothered by my age. It's against the natural order of things for me to be the older one. It's against the natural order of things for you to be gone.

I Love This Day

Happy 38th Our Gay Day, Ingrid. The years without you are adding up, but so are all the gay years we set off on so long ago when we came out together. I didn't expect to have to celebrate the years by myself, but how lucky am I that I still get to celebrate them at all.

Here's to being out--really, really, really out. Thanks to you, and thanks to me.

I miss you, Ingrid. But I'm glad I didn't have to wait until I was an adult before getting to be who I am. And I'm glad you didn't have to wait either.

I love you, pal. Happy our gay day.

I Hate This Day

Every year on the day before today, I re-live that horrible middle-of-the-night phone call that told me you were going away.

And every year on this day, I re-live the phone call that told me you were gone. Gone while I sat in an airport, waiting for my flight to see you. A trip that never happened, a hello and a goodbye that never happened.

There will be no goodbye to you. Once I said hello to you, a million years ago, all the goodbyes in the world could never stop that one hello.

The Things That Don't Go Away

Mario Cuomo died today, Ingrid. Remember when you were doing tech for the 1984 Democratic National Convention and were there for his famous speech? I have a fantastic letter from you telling me all about it, and the excitement you felt then. We always did enjoy preaching to the fellow members of our liberal choir, didn't we?

There are so many things that make me think of you, I don't believe I'll ever run out.

Today one of those things went away.

Damn, I miss you, pal. You'll never go away from me.