Six Years and Another Loss

Six years today, Ingrid, since I sat in an airport in Florida, trying to absorb the news that you were gone. Six years that seem like forever. Six years that seem like a day.

It still happens, out of the blue, that I realize with shock that you are gone. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. I don't think I'll ever be used to it. It stinks that you don't get to be in the world and that the world doesn't get to know you now. That void doesn't grow smaller with time.

This year, there's another loss to mark. Your pal Iggy Bob, the cat that's in the photo at the top right of this page, finally joined you wherever you are. I hope you are both happy to see each other and thinking of nothing else.

I'm thinking of you. I'm missing you.

I love you, pal.

At the Intersection of Bitter and Sweet

Yesterday a child died when a school bus collided with a dump truck near Kuna, at the intersection of Deer Flat and Happy Valley Roads. Just a country block from the corner I'd turn onto to go from my house to Ingrid's when we were teenagers in Idaho. I instantly looked at every news story I could find, hoping that I would not recognize the last name of the child as one that might be related to anyone I used to know.

When I'd read all I could, I thought to look at the site for the Kuna School District, and then the staff list, curious whether any of the teachers I'd once had were still around.

Though they were not, because I'm old and they're way older, there was the name of a former student, one of Ingrid's classmates. One who had been particularly awful to her back in the day. One who, when they met later at class reunions, she had come to like after all.

I was reminded of Ingrid's ability to evolve, of her big heart, of her unshakable ties to her home in Idaho and all that her home and family meant to her. Though she grew and changed mightily in the nearly 32 years I knew her, she also maintained that kernel of farm-kid-ness that was so essential to her. It was a pleasure to watch the changes and the lack of change, and a lesson for me.

I don't intend ever to return to that place. Ingrid's funeral was the last time for me. It's too hard now, knowing I have no one to talk to about it. But it will always be her home, and that's enough for me.

Wherever you are, Ingrid, I'm there.

Happy Birthday, Ingrid

Today is your birthday, Ingrid, and we are all missing you.

I just talked to a friend who told me about a dream she'd had, and we agreed that you'd have made hay with it. Lesbians! Aliens! Lesbian aliens! We both laughed to think what you'd have done with her odd and funny dream. It surely would have been even more odd, even funnier, by the time you were through.

I miss your good and bright brain, Ingrid. You were so smart, so quick-witted. I miss my verbal sparring buddy.

Happy birthday, dear, sweet Ingrid. I hope you are celebrating, wherever you are. I love you.

Happy Gay Day, Ingrid

Today is 36 years since we came out to each other, Ingrid. I love this day. I love that I know it exists and I love that it exists because of you, pal. Wherever you are, I know it's the gayest place ever, thanks to you.

Here's to the high school darkroom where we shared our first kiss, where we said out loud to each other who we were, where we really started the process of growing up. Where we first said I love you.

And here's to you, Ingrid Wilhite, lesbian extraordinaire. I miss you, first love. I miss you, friend.

Hell, I even miss your damn accordion.

Five Years On

Will there be a time when I'm not missing you, Ingrid? I don't guess that the five-year anniversary of your death is the right time for that question, but I think it's moot anyway. I will always miss you.

It's not just on this day that I re-live your loss. It's most days, but this one is the hardest. I so wish that the world still had you in it, that the people who already loved you still had you there, that those who never got to know you had had that chance. It's such a void, that space where you used to be. How many movies didn't get made, how many songs didn't get passed around to your friends, how many cool things never got your stamp of approval and thus made us all a little cooler thanks to you?

There were many times when you might have questioned your impact on other people. There were no times when your impact was less than huge. You were just that sort of person: the standout.

I sure wish you were standing beside me, beside all of us, right now. God damn it, how I hate that you are never, ever coming back.

Some Days

Most days, I go about my life. I think of Ingrid. I remember something, or imagine her reaction to something that's just happened, or daydream about who she might have been now.

And then comes a day, random and painful, when the only thought of Ingrid is that she's gone. I get stuck right there for a while, still crying after all these years. 

When I think about all the other friends and family that hard day must happen to sometimes, it seems it would fill a whole year. A lot of people loved Ingrid. Pick a date, and one of us must always be having that hard day.

Yesterday was my turn again.

Happy Sad Birthday

It's that happy sad day again, Ingrid. Happy birthday, pal, at 53 but 48. I never wanted to catch up to you, ever, and now here we are and I am older than you will ever be.

Last night at midnight, as I thought about how it had just become your birthday, The Rocky Horror Picture Show came on the TV and you know I had to at least watch the first part of that. You took me to that movie for the first time when we were teenagers, and for a million times after that until we both could quote all the dialogue and knew when to duck as the toast flew and the water pistols came out. It was the gayest, most miraculous thing I'd ever seen up to that point, and it was all because of you. And so I sat on my living room floor at midnight and laughed and cried for you, Ingrid. And missed you so much it felt as though my insides were roiling.

And then I laughed again. You were right there with me in that moment. Thank you for that, Ingrid. I love you.

The Big 3-5

It's 35 years ago today that we came out, Ingrid. I'll never forget it, but that seems a silly thing to say. I suppose what I'm really saying is that I'll never forget you and your gay, gay, gay self.

Thanks, Ingrid, for your honesty and bravery. And for how you helped me be honest and brave, too. And for how you let me help you be the same. I suspect we were the first kids to come out in Kuna, Idaho, and survive the experience. Hell, thrive on the experience and become big ol' lesbians. How cool is that, Ingrid?

Happy Ingrid and Caren Coming Out Day, pal. I love you.

Time, Loss

Ingrid, I've been missing you for years now and it never makes a difference. I don't think it ever will. The space you left behind four years ago today is shaped exactly like you, so it's a space no one else can fill. It's like those life-size drawings that kids make in elementary school--giant, outlandish, colorful, true.

Who will ever be so funny, so serious, so brave, so fearful? Who will ever create something that had never existed before from nothing, from something, from less than nothing? Who will ever remember that thing we did that time in that place we went? Who will ever speak that shorthand of friendship born in such a formative time, a lifetime ago? No one but you, Ingrid.

I hope you don't even notice this horrible day, the fourth anniversary of your death. I hope you've moved so far beyond it all that only the music and the stars and the friendship remain. And I hope the same for myself.

Someday.

Love, Caren

Four Years and a Lifetime

Four years. Four years since I heard you laugh at one of my stupid jokes. Four years since I ordered those “I Love Cows” and “The Coolest People Are from Kuna, Idaho” hats for when you were supposed to lose your hair that I never sent you because they arrived the day after you died. You would have worn them proudly. Four years since we said I love you, not knowing that it would be our last chance to tell each other out loud what we felt for almost thirty years. Four years since I told myself (and Caren) that I would not post anything on this blog because my feelings were too private and it was too painful and, anyway, everyone who knows me knows how I feel about you. Well, times and convictions change and here I am. Four years. Wow. I think about you every day, especially when walking alone listening to music and a Carpenters song comes on. I know your love and knowledge of music was as vast as your gigantic CD collection and went way beyond the 70s, but you are most vivid to me when I hear the Carpenters or Abba, music that we shared way back when. You affected my life in many positive ways and I will always be grateful. I miss you, old pal.

--Amy Rubin

Happy Birthday, evermore

Today is your day, kiddo. 52 and counting, but still just 48. It will never be OK that you are not here, Ingrid.

When I think back on all the years and all the months and all the days we knew each other, I can't help but think I'll never meet anyone as important to me as you were. As you are.

Maybe that's the nature of things when you meet young, go through the big milestones together, mark the years together. I don't know.

What I do know is that I'm angry as hell you aren't here, pal. I never stop wishing you could just... come back.

I love you, old girl. Happy birthday.

And Another Gay Year Ends and Starts

Hi Ingrid,

It's the 34th anniversary of the day we came out. I look forward to this day every year, grateful that I know the date, that I can pin down when my adult future really started. And yours.

Thirty-four years and one day ago you and I did the March of Dimes Walk-a-thon and spent 20 miles talking around and around our feelings. Then the next day, we couldn't hold back any longer and finally became the lesbians we were always destined to be.

How thankful I am for you, Ingrid. So thankful. Not only did we get to come out in a fairly painless manner, but even better, we got to come out into love.

I hope you can feel how much I love you still, friend. That will never change.

Trail's End

For more than a while now I have been struggling to put into words the keen sense of loss I still feel over Ingrid's death. Just now I was reading the comments on a story about whether it's selfish to have a second child so your first child will have a pal, and I came across this phrase: "someone to walk through the world sharing a common history with."

Now aside from how weird it is that I was reading anything about having children, that is a version of what Ingrid meant to me. Because we knew each other so young, and for so long, it felt as though we had an almost-common history and that we'd been walking through the world, indelibly connected, for a long time. I took it for granted that we'd be old ladies together. We talked about it, joked about it, described it to each other.

And now my old-lady walking pal is gone. And nobody else gets to walk through the world with her either. I think it sucks for all of us.

That about sums it up.

One Sad Day

It's that worst day again, Ingrid. Three years since you died. I've been avoiding writing this all day.

Even this long out, it's hard to accept that you're gone. I still think, "Oh, I'll just ask Ingrid." And then snap back to reality and remember that I can't do that.

I think acceptance is a very slow process, Ingrid, that happens to a lot of small corners and nooks in the mind. And since you occupy a lot of those spaces I'm not exactly aching for acceptance, I guess.

I still just miss you.

Where's the Beef?

Captain Beefheart died today. Ingrid would have been touched by that. She loved Captain Beefheart and all that sort of stuff in high school (and beyond...) and might have called me to make sure I knew that he'd passed away.

I would have teased her, she would have laughed, I would have laughed. It would have been another of the million moments in our friendship; inconsequential on its face, but part of a tapestry of silly and serious things that spanned the years and bolstered our shared past.

I wish I could call her to tell her.

Happy Birthday to You

All right, pal, today is your birthday and I'm still here.

I hope that wherever you are, it's the best place ever. That a giant cake that keeps changing flavors and getting better and better is alight with candles and that you're blowing them out and laughing, then starting all over again. That you've got a cat on your lap and every good person you ever met all around you. And that a shiny new bike that fits you perfectly is right next to you with a huge bow on it while all your favorite music plays and plays.

I miss you so much, Ingrid, and it never goes away. I hope that you can feel it, in a good way, and that you know there are a whole lot of people here thinking of you.

I can't help but think of your mom and how she might feel today. She must miss her girl with all her being. I know I do.

Happy birthday, pal. I don't know how to stop missing you.

Happy Anniversary, Ingrid

Today is the 33rd anniversary of the day we came out to each other, Ingrid. I used to call you on this day and we'd reminisce. I wish I could call you today.

Thank you for helping to make my life and for letting me help to make yours.

The whole thing still amazes me all these years later. Two kids, such bravery, so young. Thank you, thank you.

I miss you so.

Cows Well Done

Maybe it's finally happening, that mystical place where the warm memory overwhelms the sharp pain. At least today it is, watching the Cows With Guns video. If you don't think of Ingrid then and laugh, you're probably not breathing.

I hope you heard me laughing for you, Ingrid.

Looking Away

Today is the second anniversary of Ingrid's death. I remember her as though she were here with me right now.

Remember that funny look she'd use when she was simultaneously confused and incredulous? A little bug-eyed, with her mouth turned in a squiggle? I'm not very good at describing it, but if you knew her, you'll know what I mean.

Well, that's the look I see on her face right now. The look I think of as "classic Ingrid," the look I'd never seen on anyone else's face and still never have.

I miss your funny looks, Ingrid. I miss you. I still want you back. I always will.

Rest well.

Dreading Time

The anniversary of Ingrid's death is coming up again, and I still can't believe it. How can it be two years? How can it be at all?

Come back, Ingrid. Come back. I still miss you so much.

Just yesterday I thought of something from our youth and thought, I'll call Ingrid and ask her if she remembers. But of course I can't do that.

Once again I am reminded: Life is not fair. Not even a little bit.

Damn it to hell.