Everybody Who Knew Her Is Richer

I'm sitting here bawling even though I only met Ingrid a few times. Such tears are for life wasted, love lost, dreams exploded, hopes up in smoke and plans that vanish into thin air - a part of the life cycle that really transcends our ability to understand.

I will continue to send warm and loving thoughts to you all…The cruelty of not having the time to say all of your goodbyes has to be tempered with the fact that she knew how loved she was by each and every one of you, her support through this abrupt and shocking ordeal.

You're all in my thoughts and prayers. Give yourselves and each other hugs for me, as you hold and comfort each other.

…

There's really nothing that can be said to make this ordeal less painful. It's such an unthinkable waste to lose good people in the prime of their lives, to say nothing of so suddenly! I believe the LGBT community has learned a lot and taught a lot to the rest of the world about care-giving and sharing responsibility, etc., during these events that take young people away prematurely from such dreaded diseases.

It may sound trite at this point, when you're feeling so raw, angry, disappointed and bereft, but the memory of Ingrid, her passions and causes will indeed live on in each of you, as well as the tons of friends who grew to care about her throughout her all-too-brief lifetime. Everybody who knew her is richer for that; everybody who cared about her is better prepared to take on life's challenges because of what they learned from her.

I've been in similar shoes to yours and know enough to know that peace will only come in its own time, probably on a different schedule for every single person in her various concentric rings of relationships. As you know, there's no “formula” or “cookbook” available for making it to the other side of the pain... Each will have to be patient with and supportive of the others whose schedules for recovery are different from their own. Some may be able to make it through the day without weeping after a few days or a few weeks - others will take a lifetime - and nobody's doing it "right"... Everybody's dealing with their own fragile-broken relationship system, various demons, family histories, genetic predisposition, and myriad other of their own realities, in addition to their own attempt to make sense of this senseless situation...

Be gentle with yourselves and each other; no time to take any perceived or real "slight" personally; everybody's feeling too wounded to be held terribly accountable for some inappropriate "this", unreasonable "that", or thoughtless "the other thing"... This is a time to celebrate the tragically short life of a remarkable woman, not a time for "shoulda", "if only" or recriminations, internalized or externalized... Hugs-n-kisses... Wish I could be closer to do the hugging myself...! I'll be thinking of you as you make your way through this nightmare - and you will...

--John David Dupree, Denise’s uncle (excerpts from e-mails to Denise, with permission)